This post is from 2011 before my advocacy began. At the time I was living with psoriasis in shame, 90% covered by the disease, frustrated and tired of allowing psoriasis to consume me. This letter was the beginning of my advocacy…
Psoriasis has disrupted my life since the age of 7. I hate it. Sometimes I think it has completely ruined my life. I just don’t have it here and there, it’s everywhere. I try to ignore it, but other people make you notice it with their looks and stares. They turn away, then look again, hoping you won’t notice. I often ask God, “why me?” And then I think to myself, why not me, who am I?
I always wanted to model or play sports. But most of the time psoriasis wouldn’t allow me to. Although I have accomplished some things, insecurities from psoriasis worked its way into my mind, torturing me with every thought. “You can’t play basketball, look at your legs. Remember you have to wear shorts, and short sleeves. Modeling? Don’t even think about that. Who would want you as a model? Look at your skin. And that guy? Yeah, don’t worry about him, you’ll never get to the point where you’ll feel comfortable enough to be intimate, that would mean taking your clothes off.”
Well today, I end it all. All the doubt, all the hiding when people ask questions, trying to deny who I am. Today it all ends, and it ends by me killing the part of myself that feels so ashamed. I kill the part of me that hides… I kill the part of me that cries out… I kill the part of me that’s afraid of what people will think. Today, I kill the part of me that doesn’t want to explain my condition to people. Today, I commit murder to that part of myself, and I kill all the hurt and fears! And it may be a slow death, but eventually it will be gone!
I use to ask God to take it away from me, but now I just ask him to make me strong enough to deal with it and to help encourage other people dealing with the same issues.
I think we all have something that we want to kill in ourselves… Whether it’s jealously, or low-self esteem…. There is something that we need to get rid of to make ourselves better people, and to live better lives.